There’s a Chili Cookoff today at work! I get to eat NINE KINDS OF CHILI. Here’s my entry:
American Manifest DesChili:
Bison: Representing Native & Indigeneous Peoples & Wildlife
Beef: Representing… Cowboys
Diced Tomato: Representing Limited Individuation of State Autonomy
Crushed Tomato: Representing the Current State of US Politics
Fresh Tomato: Representing Refreshed Social Engagement
Red, Black & Pinto Beans: Representing Red, Black & Beige People
Irish Stout: Representing Irish Immigrants
French Roast Coffee: Represents the Louisiana Purchase
Apple Cider Vinegar: Represents Johnny Appleseed
Garlic: Represents Italian Immigrants
Spanish Onion: Represents Spanish-Speaking Peoples
Green, Yellow, Jalapeno, Habenero, Cayenne & Black Pepper to Represent John Quincy Adams, the 6th US President
Cilantro & Lime: Representing Asian Immigrants
Hot Smoked Paprika: Representing Hungarian Immigrants
Cumin: to Represent Cumin Rights for All Peoples
Frank’s Red Hot: to Represent the American Diner as the Apotheosis of American Culture
I went to this cheap diner for breakfast:
They serve Cornish Eggs with Hash Beiges
The Toast is mostly recycled
The Napkins are Toast that’s past the point where it can be recycled as more Toast
You can choose Ham, Bacon or Sausage, but it’s all Guinea Pork
The Short Stack of Pancakes is below plate level: it’s a plate served on top of a pancake
Upon closer inspection, the plate was a hubcap they’d just pulled off my car
There’s a lot of awful in their Waffle
Their Silver Dollar Pancakes are the size of dimes and they will blame deflation
If you want syrup, they give you a metal straw and seat you on the patio near a tree
The Butter is real, but they milk the cook for it
The Farmer’s Omelette has to be federally subsidized
If you ask for a fork they give you some metal cutters for your spoon
I asked for a knife and the waitress said, “HA! I’m not giving you a weapon.”
I asked for some orange juice: she gave me a kumquat, a c-clamp and a shotglass
The coffee was so weak that the waitress served it with last rites
The sugar is dispensed by the grain
The half & half is 60/40
It costs extra to get the check and leave, so it’s usually pretty crowded
Q. Why didn’t Karl Marx laugh at the joke?
A. Because not everybody would get it
So I opened my front door, and the mysterious Uncle Mikey had left me a 3’x2′ reminder of the restaurant founded by Matt “Bimbo” Chutich, who called himself “The Friendly Yugoslav,” where, at 7 years old, I liked to guzzle red pop, pizza and elaborate sundaes, throwing peanut shells on the floor, listening to live dixieland music and EVERYBODY AT THE PARTY GOT A STRAW BOATER HAT. Though it wasn’t actually straw but like styrofoam. I touched up the print because there was some hot fudge on her thigh….
Ah, the good old-fashioned days. These days, you put a picture like this up in your Popular Family Restaurant and everybody’s like….wait…yikes, man, is that girl like fifteen years old?? Jesus, Frank, we’ve got to get the children out of here-
Regardless, that was really thoughtful of Uncle Mikey- THANKS MIKE!!!! (who points out that she’s wearing an engagement ring, for whatever that’s worth)
It ALMOST makes me want to listen to Dixieland Jazz
Q. What’s a twin’s favorite vegetable?
A. a Twocumber.
Q. What’s the Immigrant’s favorite vegetable?
A. a Newcumber.
Q. What’s a small Hawaiian guitarist’s favorite vegetable?
A. a Ukeumber.
Q. What’s a card player’s favorite vegetable?
A. a Euchrember.
Q. What’s a German Divebomber’s favorite vegetable?
A. a Stukamber.
Q. What’s an Australian’s favorite vegetable?
A. a Kookumbera.
Q. What’s a Ghost’s favorite vegetable?
A. a Spookumber.
A. What’s a Businessman’s favorite vegetable?
Q. a Luchrember.
Q. What’s the Pirates’ favorite vegetable?
A. a Crewcumber.
Q. What’s a Seeker’s favorite vegetable?
A. The Truecumber.
OK, So I was down south several months ago in Atlanta and incidentally I happened to share a cocktail- I think hers was blood- with the Horror Hostess Blair Bathory, of FEARHAUS, and, inspired by 1. Her encyclopedic knowledge of Argento films and 2. the use of the spelling “HAUS” in general, an artwork which she totally did not ask for occurred-
So this psychologist is at a restaurant with three men, and she says, “Hey, here’s an exercise: I’m going to drop this handkerchief on a table, and you tell me what thoughts it brings to mind.” And she takes a white handkerchief and tosses it to float down onto the tabletop.
The first man says: “That’s interesting- looking at the handkerchief, I see a topography: Mountain ranges, cresting waves…”
The second says: “Huh- when you dropped the handkerchief, I was reminded of the way that the corporeal form sheds its spirit, leaving only the carapace of the being that was…”
The third man says, “That reminds me of sex.”
The psychologist says, “OK- why does that make you think about sex?
The third man says, “I only think about sex.”
Scene 1: The super smart Government Agent examines the evidence, which he is totally smart enough to evaluate and come to conclusions from. It is evident that super intelligent terroristic organizations are super-secretly conspiring to do really amazingly astoundingly awful stuff; stuff that is even worse than the amazingly astoundingly awful stuff that the Government Agent’s Country does every single day in about twenty-four disadvantaged countries where they are right now doing stuff that is so awful that anybody would like puke if they heard about like the details of how nasty and specifically torturous the torture is.
Scene 2: the super intelligent and interesting terrorist has totally not always been poor and abused and had it demonstrated that nobody gives a shit about him or people that look like him. It’s just because he’s evil that he is planning a vague and diaphanous super-complicated evil plot with gas or bombs or something internety that you can’t hope to understand, but you’ll never have to worry about it because the super intelligent Government Agent will totally end up secretly foiling all those evil plans because he’s obviously super intelligenter than the terrorist.
Theme: The confluence of these two completely fictional constructs will provide a patently false but apparently plausible narrative & colorful distraction as simple morons take everything from most everybody and give it to some disgusting fuckers that will wank themselves endlessly while the whole world suffers.
$34,000 plus residuals OBO
Whoops, I did it again