Open Letter to Esquire Magazine

Dear Esquire:

For the love of god, please stop sending me your filthy, evil magazine. I am the victim of a terrible mistake, as my poor old mother naively signed me up, no doubt mistaking your displays of egregious profligacy for sartorial sophistication.

If I see one more stupid watch that costs enough to feed Ethiopia, I swear I’ll vomit. Your politics are sleazy and reprehensible. I expect you consider your writing style to be punchy, macho, even Hemingwayesque, but I assure you, you sound of nothing more than a roaring vacuum of insatiable arrogant appetite. Your incessant wanking and wanking and wanking all over the lifestyles of planet-murdering scumbags is just… so creepy to encounter on a monthly basis.

For the better part of a year I’ve had to keep a pair of tongs next to my mailbox to handle your toxic wasteland of smug, onanistic vileness, and your glossy paper stock, soaked in chemicals that evoke those sanitizing tablets found in urinals, is unsuitable for the only useful purpose I can imagine for your publication; lining the bottom of the cage of an incontinent vulture.

Sincerely,

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About nitrovonborax

The Mighty Arthammer of von Borax strikes the Anvil of Universal Consciousness, forging Iconic Singularities of Metaphor. Nitro von Borax is widely recognized as the natural heir to the crumbling facade of an empire that Thomas Kinkade built with massmarket hack-retouched cottagey papscapes, which glow as though lit by pernicious chip-grease fires within and trigger pleasurable dissociative transport to the plebian viewer. Mr. von Borax, known to his discerning, sophisticated & politically progressive fans as "The Painter of Sprinkly Sparkles," pulls inspiration from Betty & Veronica BOTH, stolen travel brochures & comic books, Martin Denny & Italian Giallo Movies to visualize and manifest pure unfettered awesomeness for your astral excursions. His portfolio resonates at a frequency only bats can hear.

Posted on September 18, 2012, in Useless Observations and tagged , . Bookmark the permalink. Leave a comment.

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