Monthly Archives: December 2013

That Seems Nautical

Archie-the size of his yacht

Betty and Veronica October 1975.  Wait, what are they talking about?

The Visitation: Sponsored by Cap’n Salty

The seance was held on a Midnight,
The Moon was occluded by clouds,
The room lit a little by pale light
That glowed from the Medium’s shroud
As she called up the Revenant’s figure
And he hovered there, spectral and grim,
And the eyes of the watchers grew bigger
As they stuttered out questions for him:
“What awaits once we’re no longer living?”
“Are Demons in lingerie cute?”
“Are the Gods really mean, or forgiving?”
“Where did my late Wife hide my flute?”

The Ghost flickered wanly then intoned;
“I have something more crucial to say
“Lest all Ye be doomed, doomed,” he moaned,
“For thy fate hangs in balance today:
“Thy breakfasts are boring and awful
“Thy oatmeal and pastries are pasty;
“I urge thou to put down that waffle!
“Cap’n Salty’s Mush Puppies are TASTY.
“Buy ‘em by mail or from Grocers,
“And think of the Money you’ll save!
“Mush Puppies pop hot from thy toaster-
“Please heed this from beyond the grave!
“Mush Puppies will leave you quite sated,
“Thy lives will be less sad and faulty!”
The Revenant dimmed and then faded,
Groaning, “Mush Puppies- from Cap’n Salty!”

Capn Salty

Business Proposition #63,923 THE FAMILY TUB RESTAURANT

Family Tub

Where the whole family exults in all-you-can-eat Tub-Style corn, meats and fixins!

Families are seated at- or, possibly, in, “FAMILY TUBBLES”(registered trademark pending): essentially a washtub on a center post. 

Frenetic character-based staff dash around in internationally-themed outfits carrying buckets of processed foods designed for easy slopping from buckets into the FAMILY TUBBLE. Patrons will indicate desired buckets by waving corresponding flags, clearly labeled “Mexican, German, American, Chinese”

1. “Charmin’ Miranda” or “Muncho Villa” hurl mixed CobCorn, Burmeatos, Jalapeno Cornbreadlets, Fajeaters, etc. (registered trademarks pending)

2. “Kaiser Roll” or “Liederhosen Tartlet” toss CobCorn, Miniwursts, WeeSchnitzels, SpatzenCubes, etc. (registered trademarks pending)

3. “Uncle Samwich” or “Lady Lobster Biberty” pitch CobCorn, BBQ Scraps ‘n’ Tatters, ChickenToes, Burgerballs, etc. (registered trademarks pending)

4.  “Servin’ Samurai” or “Meow Se Tung ” throw Baby CobCorn, EggRollers, KungPowPoppers, WakkiTeriyaki, etc. (registered trademarks pending) 

Other notes:

IMPORTANT BRANDING ISSUE: CORN IS OF UTMOST IMPORTANCE. Corn offers Security, Wholesomeness and Thematic Unity. DO NOT ATTEMPT WITHOUT CORN!!!!!!!

Beverages most likely served Hose-Style.

Roll up your sleeves and trousers and tuck into to THE FAMILY TUB, for gut-buckets of face-stuffin’ fun! 

This franchise concept still available for $2,742,114.72, including tax, from von Borax Business Consulting

Awkward Art at the Treasure Mart

Rubbery Goth Orgy This original painting, artist unknown, roughly 4.5 feet tall, i.e. sofasize, transfixed me & demanded to be  photographed while for sale at the Treasure Mart for around $500 or thereabouts. I don’t know if it’s still available, but if you’re in the market for some oddly-contorted cubisty 1980’s LizaMinnelioids you should hasten on down there.

The Suppression of the Terrorist

SONY DSC

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