Monthly Archives: November 2014

Pirate Painting #5,321

Pyrates 5321nitrovonborax

Acrylic on Wooden Crate


New Painting! Under Construction for @ 2 years.

RED MENACEnitrovonborax


RED MENACE (c) 2014


Caption? NO WAIT DON’T


Disappointing & Creepy: a Poem

Selections from online reviews for the hotel I was booked into for my last Business Convention in Dallas.

Disappointing and creepy
…it is somewhat out of Dallas and on the tollroad
Gangsters hanging out in the parking lot shaking guests down for cash
Confusing entrance
Old lobby, worn carpets, musty odor throughout
The lobby would be grand if it wasn’t filled with cancer stick sucking seminar dwellers
Lots of people who look like they just got out of a medical sales convention
Hotel seems to cater mostly to conventions
Mary Kay convention caused way too much noise
The entire weekend they were leasing out half the hotel to those get rich quick seminars so if you wanted to use the elevator at the top of any hour you would be sharing it with 30 other people
Elevators- old and dirty and looks like spots on the floor
Escalator that is NEVER working on the left side
Staff not very friendly
Staff was not helpful
Staff was not that friendly or helpful
Hotel staff is dishonest and stealing
Valet was slow and at times unavailable
Manager on duty was not very helpful
Halls smelled of smoke
The room itself had some bizarre features
There was a problem with our room; someone was still in it
Room was warm, and smelly upon opening the door
Carpets filthy
Carpet and flooring old and dirty
The furniture which held the 1950’s style TV
Had cubby holes for decor which had 3 misplaced items in them
So-called easy chair was very narrow
I can’t imagine many American derrieres fitting comfortably into it
Table/desk was so tall that my chin was roughly level with the top when sitting at it
A/C did not work in room.
Hot and A/C would not cool room
The A/C sounded of a beating bass drum all night
Bed was sad
Bed had bed bugs
Beds were lumpy
Both mattresses had lumps and obvious sunken spots
Worn in the middle so you sank into a hole at bed time
There was an old dark stain on the side of the bottom sheet
Sheets were so stiff that they made noise when you moved
Old, ugly, used and possibly never washed bedspread that I was afraid to get close to
Bad pillows
Was not able to sleep due to construction taking place on the floor above us
Yelling in the halls outside of our room by 7:00am on Saturday
Housekeeping knocks on your room unexpectedly during the early hours
Alarm clock was from 1975, at best
Paint in the bathroom was peeling off of the ceiling and there were exposed nails in the walls
Bathroom had hair on the floor and in the tub
Tub would not drain
Towels were raggy and had string hanging off the edges
Toilets would not flush
Tub & lavatory would not drain
Smell of sewage coming through the bathroom sink
The food was another issue
Cleanliness of restaurant was an issue
Restaurant was not clean
What was described on the menu was not what appeared on your plate
It took a full 15 minutes and 4 calls to learn what was on the fruit plate – no one knew
Food mediocre to bad
Food was bad
Food is like a week old and they don’t care about the quality of their coffee either
Bartender was absent a lot
Amenities were very limited
Pool area needs updating
The pool was small and had no service outside
Hot tub was cold
Used the hot tub and there was raw fiberglass which got in our skin and left us itchy for days
The room, pool, overall facility was old and run down
It probably was a very nice hotel 15 years ago, but not now
It appears that it was a good hotel in the early 1980s but has not been updated since
A very old and dilapidated hotel which even smells old
Entire place was very old and run down in appearance
This place was just creepy and old
Cell phone got stolen from my hotel room
Jewelry disappeared
Did not receive a paper in the morning
Don’t go for a romantic 29th wedding anniversary
I would have been much happier dwelling for the night under the bridge overpass a half a block away
Hotel would not take responsibility

Was only offered a cheap breakfast to compensate for this


It is so difficult to get anything done around here…

I’ve been working on a cure for esophageal cancer, utilizing a form of chakra meditation translated from Alpha-Centurion alien lightwave transmissions and some proto-nuclear synthetic microbiorganisms that I whipped up in my blender, when I hear a knock at the door. It’s a salesman. Dressed in the poorly-cured skin of a musk ox, he’s holding a human skull in his hand. The top has been crudely sawed off, no doubt with a sharp rock, and a loathsome viscous mixture slops out of it. “You drink!’ He grunts, “You drink!  Give to me wheat and tubers, and you drink! This good potion! Bat blood, newt guts, fermented many moons for increased efficacy! No more demons when you drink! No fevers and ague, and long-lasting erection is guaranteed! This week only just nine tubers, one sheaf wheat!”

He was hard to get rid of, and by the time I went back to my microbiorganisms, they’d dessicated. So I decided to go out for a bite to eat. Zipping down the ultrasonic hoverway in my Vacuutron 9000, I was delayed for many precious moments by two morons who’d managed to get their mastodons wedged together in an underpass. They had dismounted and one was methodically pulverizing the head of the other with a stone axe. I had to laboriously back up to the previous hoverway exit.

I arrived at the cafe, and ordered a delightful repast of Vitajellies and Nutripills. The waitress totally ruined my meal by bringing me the wrong order. After lifting the lid and surveying the raw calves’ eyes and live eels roiling in spit-roasted guinea pig torsos, I lost all appetite.

I stopped off at the Hypnoschool to pick up my schedule for classes in Super-Extra-Sensory-Telepsychology, only to find the Campus completely destroyed by an emerging volcano. A great crowd of swarthy brutes dressed in cloaks made of severed human arms were hurling co-eds into the maw of the volcano, chanting to some giant Hamster-God.

Tried to call my Dad on the Videophone, but by the looks of his Skypartment, he’s been eaten by one of those roaming gangs of cannibals. All I could see on his videofeed was the hairy back of some Cro-Magnon, squatting on haunches and gnawing on a leg, which terminated in one of my Dad’s favored Wingtips.

That disturbed me somewhat, so I went home, delayed once more by some idiot who couldn’t parallel park his Giant Sloth, and put a Tranquillodisc in the AtmosMusicitron. Next thing I know, that same salesman is back at my door. This time he’s trying to sell me a rusty trepanation drill. These guys don’t know when to quit.

I’m going to give up on my cure-for-esophageal-cancer hobby for the rest of the day and try to relax so I’ll be ready for my job tomorrow. I’m hoping we can make progress on our initiative to end global hunger. We can grow bananas as big as the Eiffel Tower, but we’re still having trouble with the giant broccoli. Unfortunately, this is also the week that my Pastor expects me to hunt down several of the accused witches of the windswept veldt, kill them with a stick and eat their hearts, and I’m having difficulties prioritizing tasks…



I’ve been On the Road Again, and Oh, the sights I have seen, the amazing sights and incredible stuff.

Went to San Diego: the Target there is AMAZING! They have a huge line of housewares, and many nice towels. I bought some sunglasses. THEY WERE EXACTLY THE SAME AS SOME ONES I ONCE BOUGHT AT TARGET IN ANN ARBOR!!!!! It was amazing.

Then we travelled by camel to Taos, New Mexico: the Taco Bell there was so good! We had Tacos. Yep. Tacos in Taos. HA! The hot sauce was salty.

A few days later, we found ourselves in Boulder, Colorado. We had an elegant dinner of noodles overcooked in some kind of Mopwater at the Olive Garden. That’s Italian! I drank a gallon o’ Gallo Wine. They should use that phrase as an advertisement: Gallo: by the Gallon! I’m surprised they haven’t thought of that.

Salt Lake City, Utah was a BLAST, although when we got some Coca-Cola, it was warmish. The Hostess Fruit Pies were good, though, because they were also warmish.

Went up to Boise, Idaho to sample the local cuisine: a giant order of real potato french fries at Burger King. Salty!

We found ourselves rolling into Sioux Falls, South Dakota… The Wal-mart there was REALLY BIG. Actually, all Wal-Marts seem to be really big. Weird, isn’t it? We woulda got lost except it had the same floor plan as all the other Wal-Marts.

Atlanta, Georgia was a beautiful place: There was a Subway right next door to a McDonalds and the yellow trademarked colors that they both use were very complementary to each other.

Next we went down to Daytona Beach. The Long John Silver’s hush puppies had that distinctive musty flavor, but I only threw up a little bit. Recovered overnight and went to Denny’s for Breakfast. Ordered a “Skillet.” Why is darn stuff so darn delicious when you eat it out of a “Skillet???”

Durham, North Carolina is groovy. We split a delicious pack of Marlboros, straight from a Shell Gas Station, where they sell Marlboros in North Carolina. We bought gas there, too! It was very convenient.

Boston, Massachusetts is a historic town- we went to a real Boston Market chicken restaurant. The chicken was real good and salty. I liked the Kentucky Fried Chicken better once when I went to Kentucky. Or the Kentucky Fried Chicken in Ann Arbor was pretty much the same: deep fried… & salty!

Always heard that the lobsters in Maine were To Die For. Sure enough, lobsters turn out to be a *featured item* at the Red Lobster in Bangor. We ordered two, with a side of extra batter. They tasted a lot like a couple of lobsters we had once at the Red Lobster in Ann Arbor.

Came back by way of Akron, Ohio. MMMMMM….Krispy Kreme Donuts. Of course, they do sell those in a gas station ’bout half a mile from our house now, but those aren’t from Akron. Probably.
But you know, it’s nice to be back. I mean, this is a great country, but sometimes you just get to missing your own Target and Taco Bell and Olive Garden and Coca Cola and Hostess products and Burger King and Wal-Mart and Subway and Long John Silvers and Dennys and Marlboros from the Shell Station and Boston Market and Kentucky Fried Chicken and Red Lobster and Krispy Kreme Donuts, you know?

I’m Not Ready for Winter

This happened last year in my front yard

snow monster

Ring of Roman Candles

Firefight At Maryfield Park last July 4. A ring of people firing off roman candles. Some minor injuries were witnessed

Pithecophobia Fig. 347: Chimp Shakers

Chimp Shakers

Salt & Pepper? NO THANKS


This was in an abandoned miniature golf course in St. Ignace


…Slightly pshopped…

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