Monthly Archives: January 2017

The Residence of George Burns & Gracie Allen for No Good Reason

Found a postcard. Look at that palatial mansion! Boy, these celebrities sure live high on the hog. They’ve got an attached garage!!!!!

In Beverly Hills, CA, in what? 1960? Burns and Allen are gone now, bless them, but I bet, like, those Kardashians or Kanye West lives in this place now.

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I Hate to Say I Told You So

Scientists create human-pig embryos . It  would appear that the new administration, comfortable & secure with their incoming reign of horror, is finally allowing the sheet to be lifted on the secret anthropophagic plans that I exposed seven years ago, during the despotic rule of the second Bush, in my roman à clef Piggleyland. 

Now discounted because you should also know about the Nazi Clown Phenomenon, Mexican Viagra & Personal Hams

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Moist Towelette Album Cover #8: Victoria Bay

Disastrous 8th album release of Moist Towelette, featuring MT’s electronic bagpipe drone-dirge anthem “Victoria Bay,” reputed to be 39.5 minutes long, although no listener can be found willing to sit through and verify the full duration.

Also featured on this album were the lesser-known, less excruciating but just-as-unpopular songs:

“Saturated”
“Reorder Number One-Seven-Eight-Oh-Four-Oh”
“Quality Products”
“Mildy Fragrant (That’s My Mildred)”
“For Everyday Needs”
“Office, Recreational, Travel, Camping & Home Use (AKA O-R-T-C & H use!)”
“Like a Folded Napkin”
“Made in Totawa, New Jersey”

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Moist Towelette Album Cover # 7: “Freshette”
Moist Towelette Album Cover #6: “Fresh Nap”
Moist Towelette Album Cover #5: “IF YOUR HANDS ARE CLEAN”
Moist Towelette Album Cover #4: “Royal Fingerbowl”
Moist Towelette Album Cover #3: “American Towelette”
Moist Towelette Album Cover #2: “Oo o”
Moist Towelette Album Cover #1: The eponymous album

Most Towelette Album Cover #7: Freshette

Really, not their 7th album, but a reworked collection of unreleased TRIAD Label singles from Moist Towelette band members in various configurations before they got their big break playing at Pastor Frickin’s Quick ‘n’ Kickin’ Chicken with a  Stick In franchise locations in the Quint-City region of East Dakota.

This cynical rerelease features the below unpopular singles, remixed with intrusive 120BPM programmed drums and overdubbed millennial whoops:

“Freshette Up!”
“Hands & Face as Needed”
“You’ll Find Me: Pre-Moistened”
“Cat Number Ten-Fifty-Three Hundred”
“Gentle-to the Skin”
“Tear Here”

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Moist Towelette Album Cover #6: “Fresh Nap”
Moist Towelette Album Cover #5: “IF YOUR HANDS ARE CLEAN”
Moist Towelette Album Cover #4: “Royal Fingerbowl”
Moist Towelette Album Cover #3: “American Towelette”
Moist Towelette Album Cover #2: “Oo o”
Moist Towelette Album Cover #1: The eponymous album

 

 

 

 

 

 

Hail to the Pig

Wow, look what we’ve done.

Inauguration day, eh? Wow. I am sorry not to be there in D.C. with my friends and coworkers on this dishistoric day, for the protests. I am particularly sorry to not be passing out stickers with my pal from sexistpig.us, who made this terrific quiz, helpful for history students.

Wow! It’s nice to know that that any boy can grow up to be president regardless of qualifications, in a way- it’s kind of like that ol’ American Myth they tell us in school where the U.S. is a “Democracy;” that fairy story wherein “anyone-can-be-president.” Truth, you don’t need qualifications, compassion, you don’t need brains, (like Reagan and GWB didn’t sort that out for us already) you don’t need education. You just need money, and finally, finally, we have incontrovertible proof of that, boy.

I do wish decency was required. Have we no sense of decency, sir, at long last? Have we left no sense of decency? I’ve met lots of dudes like Donald. I’ve had the privilege to poke a number of them in the snoot. I’ve had them as bosses, I’ve had them as employees,  I’ve had them as coworkers, I’ve seen them at bars and weddings, I knew some at school, and they suck everywhere, because they are of that category of animals that believe some animals are more equal than others. Simple sociopathic individuals that consider themselves first, and always apart from whole categories of people- women, muslims, black people, Jews, gays… and they roll up those pigeonholed people in pigblankets of disrespect while wallowing in their own undeserved entitlement. These individuals accomplish less than nothing in this world, and drag us all down. It’s gross.

I want to point out- if we expect to keep promoting that fanciful American Democracy façade, against all evidence, which promulgation apparently leaves even adults in the U.S. thinking that the popular vote means something about who’s elected, it would be helpful for our underpaid teachers if voters would provide them with presidents elected without direct corporate funding, presidents unwilling to compromise on human rights, presidents who put workers ahead of CEOS, homeowners ahead of banks, people ahead of profit, even presidents that are women… well, any such president would lend some credence to the story. It’s a stupid story full of obvious lies when you tell it after you elect a fathead like Li’l Donald (and he betrays your protest vote with a cabinet of kleptocrats).

Wow, is the system ever broke. The two parties blew us up real good, U.S.A.

The center cannot hold. The left must rise. Start digging trenches, people, and kick some pig ass for us in Washington.

FLAG

Cruella DeVos

The Orangutan-in-Chief’s pick for Secretary of Education? An original Michigan Monster. In charge of National Education Policy, equipped with a whole bachelor’s degree in business administration and political science from Calvin College, and highly skilled by marrying a guy who inherited gut-buckets of money from his dad’s low-quality household chemicals direct sale pyramid scheme ,  Betsy is looking to go national with her demonstrably catastrophic work allocating education and education funds to wealthy white people, mostly.

Unaccountable, for-profit charter schools provide lots of exciting, creative opportunities for Betsy’s wealthy friends to take money that would otherwise be wasted on teaching poor children. That’s good for business!

I do believe in small schools, and I do believe in schools of choice – sounds nice, right? Probably means that the kids in Detroit get bused, for free, with snacks, to the same schools that Betsy’s friends’ kids attend (she home-schooled her own kids, because, obviously, she hates school) But that’s not what it means. That’s not what it’s all about.

Here’s what it means for Detroit.

Why would you give the important job of Sec. of Ed. to this bigoted creep? It’s not complicated – you do it because you’re hoping she’ll help you steal money from people who can’t defend themselves, like the Repiglicans in Michigan steal money all the time. Pure Michigan Kleptocracy. From seniors, through more taxes and less deductions for individuals, from the working poor, by fraud, whatever.

Kleptocrats.

It’s so transparent, too. Here in MI, the shift of funding from public schools simply means that our poor urban or rural students get no education. The money is taken from public schools and given to opaque private entities who are held to no educational standards, so their students don’t necessarily get education either- but even if they do, you won’t find those for-profit schools and other charters that drain money from the public located in poor areas; those children have no “schools of choice”. They get left disintegrating, poisonous buildings and dwindling teachers, who get their pay cut and withheld. The poor have no advocate, and the kleptocrats have quit even PRETENDING to be decent human beings. Fascinating times.

Here’s the hilarious thing: Betsy DeVos can’t even honestly buy her way into a position for which she is utterly unqualified. That’s pretty sad. And, her appointment? Well, cruel.

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Cruella DeVos, Cruella DeVos,
The rights of the children are sold off or lost,
Her salad of money is gleefully tossed,
Cruella, Cruella DeVos…

Obscure Artifact Auction: Lot 6: Robocyclop #227

Number 227 of Dr. Sinestard’s One Thousand Robocyclop Guards: Dormant. Was clinging to my jetpack when I made it out of the crater.

Warning: If Dr. Sinestard was not in fact killed by the explosions, this could potentially be remotely reactivated. I didn’t have proper shielding to remove its plutonium battery. Bids start at $9,999.99

Obscure Artifact Auction: Lot 5: Neptunian Whazelle Skull

Not a hunting trophy: This unfortunate creature was beheaded by a Neptroll for lunch. I won the head from him at Baccarat, as he had little else to bet. Man, was he peevish! He ate half the deck of cards. These Whazelles are, when attached to bodies and not partially eaten by trolls, magnificent, cavorting under the pale light of Triton.  Taking bids from $32,742.07 up.

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Obscure Artifact Auction: Lot 4: Crucif Eye

Seized by the FBI’s Cult Division from an underground bunker in Miami, this Unholy Relic features the One-Eyed God of Monetization. Bids from $15,233.29, please.

2 Bonsai Trees For No Good Reason

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…Last summer at the Matthei Botanical Gardens’ Bonsai & Penjing Collection

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