Press Release: Corporko Inporcorated Pilots New CFLSNGMOO Employee Model
Corporko Inporcorated, one of the five parent companies that own you and everything you’ve never known or imagined, has adopted a groundbreaking business strategy that may be providing a distinctive market advantage over the other four megaconglomerates that own you and everything you’ve never known or imagined. Corporko’s stocks are through the roof, boosted by a groundswell of consumer support, following the announcement that all of Corporko’s nuclear steamships, abbatoirs, chemical trash incinerators, carbonated corn soda factories, widget firms, pharmaceutical pushers, financial obfuscation firms, Roller-Phood factories, shell companies, nearly-realistic media outlets and synthetic yogurt stands were going to be staffed with only only cage-free, locally-sourced, non-GMO, organic employees.
As the term “cage-free, locally-sourced, non-GMO, organic employees” is completely devoid of literal regulatory meaning, this move was not as dramatic as it might seem- pay was increased to allow employees to attain a standard of living slightly in excess of that required for bare subsistence, egregious physical or sexual abuse was discouraged, some additional vegetables were provided, and employees were required to sign an agreement not to allow mad scientists to experiment on them so they could grow tentacles or whatever. Employees have verified that they no longer have to be in the cage all weekend.
“Nobody was more surprised than I when people started buying our worthless consumer goods, instead of the competitor’s completely identical worthless consumer goods, just because we quit torturing third-world children and demolishing the middle class in the U.S.” said Beelzebub O’Satan, CEO of Corporko, “It had long been Corporko’s corporate strategy to assure that our employees were at all times on the brink of physical and emotional collapse, and unable to provide basic necessities of life for themselves or the children, in the understanding that this would spur them to improved work performance. This strategy, while morally gratifying to those us who enjoy seeing lower life forms writhe in agony while we lounge in silken robes and indulge debauched appetites, has proven ineffective for long term growth. For one thing, few of our employees could even afford our Roller Phood until we increased the baseline pay.”
The ability of employees to actually purchase the goods and services that they provide does provide a minor boost to Corporko’s bottom line, but the primary vertical profit source is from sanctimonious entitled faux-liberal precious twits like Lotus Aishwarya O’Malley, a celebrity phrenologist that we interviewed at one of Corporko’s Ayurvedic Vaping stands. “Cage-free, locally-sourced, non-GMO, organic employees are important to my practice of appearing human. When I pretend that I really care about things like Carlos here,” Ms. O’Malley said, gesturing towards the Vaperista, “it gives me the affirmation that I need to continue in my useless life of self-examination and elaborate onanistic indulgences. Paying a little extra to have this kind of apparent ethical high ground additionally gives me improved social traction when I gather to gloat about my magical life of undeserved successes with similar powerful, wealthy wankers, who, like me, mostly inherited their money or sometimes stole it.”
Rumors are that other megaconglomerates are looking at Corporko’s strategy with interest, as industry analysts project that, absent some thin veneer of social responsibility and engagement from the ruling classes, the entire flimsy facade of wealth and power may be endangered. UniBloat’S CEO, Torquemada MacAzrael, commented, “Sure, sometimes when I sit at home in my walled estate, enjoying some hookers while counting my gold coins, guarded though I am by robot machine-gun dogs and heat-seeking drones, I do feel a little like a wicked anthropophagist living in a house made of candy, with 7.4 billion hungry Hansels and Gretels emerging from the woods. It can be unsettling to worry that all the human pain and suffering that I’m responsible for might somehow result in a less-than optimal outcome for me personally. But paying workers fairly is cost-prohibitive, especially if you want to maintain the important advances we’ve seen in executive pay. The question is whether I can afford to let go of even a little of the wealth and luxury that I deserve, as a man who has wealth and luxury, to afford the unwashed masses some modicum of dignity and hope. I’m inclined to doubt it, but if Corporko continues to sell more worthless consumer goods than my identical companies, well, we’ll do anything for money. Anything, do you hear me?”