Author Archives: nitrovonborax
I went to this cheap diner for breakfast:
They served Cornish Eggs with Hash Beige
The coffee was so weak that the waitress served it with last rites
The half & half was 60/40
Q. Why didn’t Karl Marx laugh at the joke?
A. Because not everybody would get it
So I opened my front door, and the mysterious Uncle Mikey had left me a 3’x2′ reminder of the restaurant founded by Matt “Bimbo” Chutich, who called himself “The Friendly Yugoslav,” where, at 7 years old, I liked to guzzle red pop, pizza and elaborate sundaes, throwing peanut shells on the floor, listening to live dixieland music and EVERYBODY AT THE PARTY GOT A STRAW BOATER HAT. Though it wasn’t actually straw but like styrofoam. I touched up the print because there was some hot fudge on her thigh….
Ah, the good old-fashioned days. These days, you put a picture like this up in your Popular Family Restaurant and everybody’s like….wait…yikes, man, is that girl like fifteen years old?? Jesus, Frank, we’ve got to get the children out of here-
Regardless, that was really thoughtful of Uncle Mikey- THANKS MIKE!!!! (who points out that she’s wearing an engagement ring, for whatever that’s worth)
It ALMOST makes me want to listen to Dixieland Jazz
Q. What’s a twin’s favorite vegetable?
A. a Twocumber.
Q. What’s the Immigrant’s favorite vegetable?
A. a Newcumber.
Q. What’s a small Hawaiian guitarist’s favorite vegetable?
A. a Ukeumber.
Q. What’s a card player’s favorite vegetable?
A. a Euchrember.
Q. What’s a German Divebomber’s favorite vegetable?
A. a Stukamber.
Q. What’s an Australian’s favorite vegetable?
A. a Kookumbera.
Q. What’s a Ghost’s favorite vegetable?
A. a Spookumber.
A. What’s a Businessman’s favorite vegetable?
Q. a Luchrember.
Q. What’s the Pirates’ favorite vegetable?
A. a Crewcumber.
Q. What’s a Seeker’s favorite vegetable?
A. The Truecumber.
OK, So I was down south several months ago in Atlanta and incidentally I happened to share a cocktail- I think hers was blood- with the Horror Hostess Blair Bathory, of FEARHAUS, and, inspired by 1. Her encyclopedic knowledge of Argento films and 2. the use of the spelling “HAUS” in general, an artwork which she totally did not ask for occurred-
So this psychologist is at a restaurant with three men, and she says, “Hey, here’s an exercise: I’m going to drop this handkerchief on a table, and you tell me what thoughts it brings to mind.” And she takes a white handkerchief and tosses it to float down onto the tabletop.
The first man says: “That’s interesting- looking at the handkerchief, I see a topography: Mountain ranges, cresting waves…”
The second says: “Huh- when you dropped the handkerchief, I was reminded of the way that the corporeal form sheds its spirit, leaving only the carapace of the being that was…”
The third man says, “That reminds me of sex.”
The psychologist says, “OK- why does that make you think about sex?
The third man says, “I only think about sex.”
Scene 1: The super smart Government Agent examines the evidence, which he is totally smart enough to evaluate and come to conclusions from. It is evident that super intelligent terroristic organizations are super-secretly conspiring to do really amazingly astoundingly awful stuff; stuff that is even worse than the amazingly astoundingly awful stuff that the Government Agent’s Country does every single day in about twenty-four disadvantaged countries where they are right now doing stuff that is so awful that anybody would like puke if they heard about like the details of how nasty and specifically torturous the torture is.
Scene 2: the super intelligent and interesting terrorist has totally not always been poor and abused and had it demonstrated that nobody gives a shit about him or people that look like him. It’s just because he’s evil that he is planning a vague and diaphanous super-complicated evil plot with gas or bombs or something internety that you can’t hope to understand, but you’ll never have to worry about it because the super intelligent Government Agent will totally end up secretly foiling all those evil plans because he’s obviously super intelligenter than the terrorist.
Theme: The confluence of these two completely fictional constructs will provide a patently false but apparently plausible narrative & colorful distraction as simple morons take everything from most everybody and give it to some disgusting fuckers that will wank themselves endlessly while the whole world suffers.
$34,000 plus residuals OBO
Whoops, I did it again
Well, I like this painting better now.