Author Archives: nitrovonborax

Incidentally,

So this psychologist is at a restaurant with three men, and she says, “Hey, here’s an exercise: I’m going to drop this handkerchief on a table, and you tell me what thoughts it brings to mind.” And she takes a white handkerchief and tosses it to float down onto the tabletop.

The first man says: “That’s interesting- looking at the handkerchief, I see a topography: Mountain ranges, cresting waves…”

The second says: “Huh- when you dropped the handkerchief, I was reminded of the way that the corporeal form sheds its spirit, leaving only the carapace of the being that was…”

The third man says, “That reminds me of sex.”

The psychologist says, “OK- why does that make you think about sex?

The third man says, “I only think about sex.”

 

 

 

 

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Here’s my Pilot: Awaiting Funding

Scene 1: The super smart Government Agent examines the evidence, which he is totally smart enough to evaluate and come to conclusions from.  It is evident that super intelligent terroristic organizations are super-secretly conspiring to do really amazingly astoundingly awful stuff; stuff that is even worse than the amazingly astoundingly awful stuff that the Government Agent’s Country does every single day in about twenty-four disadvantaged countries  where they are right now doing stuff that is so awful that anybody would like puke if they heard about like the details of how nasty and specifically torturous the torture is.

Scene 2: the super intelligent and interesting terrorist has totally not always been poor and abused and had it demonstrated that nobody gives a shit about him or people that look like him. It’s just because he’s evil that he is planning a vague and diaphanous super-complicated evil plot with gas or bombs or something internety that you can’t hope to understand, but you’ll never have to worry about it because the super intelligent Government Agent will totally end up secretly foiling all those evil plans because he’s  obviously super intelligenter than the terrorist.

Theme: The confluence of these two completely fictional constructs will provide a patently false but apparently plausible narrative & colorful distraction as simple morons take everything from most everybody and give it to some disgusting fuckers that will wank themselves endlessly while the whole world suffers.

$34,000 plus residuals OBO

Another Viking Girl Added to Another Garage Sale Landscape for No Good Reason

Whoops, I did it again

VikingGirlAdded toLandscapeAgain

Viking Girl Added to Garage Sale Landscape for No Good Reason

Well, I like this painting better now.

nvbVikingGirlAddsValuetoLandscape

Lurid Sideshow Gallery for No Good Reason

I happened across these paintings at a Sideshow at the Saline Community Fair- some of the excellent artworks are signed by a fellow whom the internets can’t find named T. Frank, way back in ’80, so, like, that Spider Girl has been active for 27 years, which is impressive. Others are signed by Glen C. Davies of Illinois, and MEAH Studios did the main sign.

I think I just found my next career.

A Lab Rat for No Good Reason

labrat

Notable Recent Food Recalls 1.0: a poem

OK first, your pouch of
OFD FOODS LLC MOUNTAIN HOUSE FREEZE DRIED SPICY SOUTHWEST BREAKFAST HASH
may contain rubber.
Plus, there might be a little plastic OR rubber in your
Ajinomoto Windsor JOSÉ OLÉ TAQUITOS BEEF CARNE DE RES IN CORN TORTILLAS Crispy and Crunchy.
Further, you may find it prudent to relinquish your
Whiskey Hill Smokehouse Trophy Series Ostrich Jerky.
I would view that
Supreme Cuisine 4 Pound Bucket of EPIC Traditional Duck Fat
with some trepidation if I was you.
You should know that
Yummy! Yummy! Dino Buddies Chicken Breast Nuggets Dinosaur-Shaped Chicken Breast Patty Fritters with Rib Meat
aren’t as dairy-free as you might assume.
Wornick Company’s Sam’s Choice ASIAN STYLE BEEF WONTON Ravioli
may contain a known allergen.
Your
Embutidos Fanguito, Inc. Jamon Vicky Lasqueado Smoked Flavor Added Sliced Cooked Ham & Water Product
might be uncooked, for one thing.
Don’t take that
Bulletproof 360 Fudge Brownie Collagen Protein Bite.
The Hail Merry Meyer Lemon Mini Miracle Tart Party Pack
has unlisted cashews.
3-compartment tray packages of Traditions Creamy Chicken Patty & Waffle with Rib Meat with Cinnamon Flavored Sweet Potatoes and Seasoned Green Beans
may include a non-meat ingredient (waffles) that has been recalled.
WALLACE’S OLD FASHIONED FRIED PORK SKINS FLAVORED WITH SALSA & SOUR CREAM SEASONING CHICHARRONES
will not make your party a success.
Your
Beyond Meat Feisty Crumbles
failed to Declare Peanut
2 cases of Fish Ball from Wang GlobalNet of Moonachie, NJ are not to be trusted
You should be suspicious of your Pinnacle Foods’ HUNGRY-MAN Selects BONELESS FRIED CHICKEN & WAFFLES.
Uncle Guiseppe’s Sweet Dry Salami
is suspicious;
I’d stay away from
Giorgio’s Hot Soppressatta
too.
Landies’ Candies Wegman Milk Chocolate Big Ear Bunny Sucker
has another Undeclared Peanut.
King’s Command B-E-K-O Fully Cooked Country Fried Beef Fingers
might have just a little metal in them.
Dos Hermanos inc. Carne Seca Beef Jerky: Chihuas Natura –
It is not known when or under what conditions the beef jerky items were produced.
Don’t eat that
Taylor Farms H-E-B Shake Rattle & Bowl Rowdy Ranch Hand
WARNING: What appears to be a
24oz Cup o’ Kettle Cuisine LLC Mom’s Chicken Soup
might actually be a
24oz Cup o’ Kettle Cuisine LLC Italian Wedding Soup With Meatballs.
DON’T celebrate with that
HEB Holiday Chocolate Fudge Boston Spider.
Your
Harris Teeter or Roundy’s Frozen Southern Hash Browns
may be contaminated with extraneous Golf Ball Materials, that despite our stringent supply standards may have been inadvertently harvested with potatoes used to make this product.
Don’t be tempted by
Nancy’s Fancy Butterscotch Budino Gelato.
Eat not of the
Guggisberg Thunder Jack Horns.

 

Help! Jane! Stop this Crazy Thing!

We hover
Our flying cars
What’s below?
What ruined planets
The columns plunge through the clouds
At their base
What piles of skulls
Heaps of ordure and offal
Neither Spacely Space Sprockets nor Cogswell Cogs are hiring
There’s only one hour of work, only two days a week
What teeming filthy naked masses still roil down there? Is there real dirt-
Is there any water left?  Salt, blood?
The automat makes whatever meal
Our robot maid has a vacuum attachment
Space is strangely empty
Except for the shopping
Except for the banks
Not everybody got a jetpack
Just a few of us have these flying cars
Most of us got left behind I suppose
Sometimes a little smoke rises
Sometimes things fall and nobody knows what then
Do you smell that?
What’s down there?
Are these columns secure?

SPACE CAR (1)

 

 

This Pig Will Eat the Poor Kids Lunch

It’s interesting how little empathy we expect of people in general, maybe, but especially elected officials. It’s interesting how an ordinary wanker like D. Trump, a fat imbecile nourished for his entire life on corporate welfare, isn’t excoriated, if not to say tar-and-feathered, for proposing that more senior citizens and children should starve in the United States.

The meager federal benefits available to truly needy people, despite being neoliberally curtailed under previous administrations, are once again under attack, this time by a man whose family should reap billions of dollars in tax benefits from the same budget he proposes. Is that a problem?
Should this budget be passed, Ivanka Trump will literally able to afford more mink toilet paper that she will have paid for by not giving some poor kids some vegetables (as the U.S. throws away 40% of the food we produce). Is that OK?

Tell me: how do these monsters sleep at night, really? Is it really heavy pharmaceuticals or something? Because I’d be bothered. But I don’t see any evidence that the lack of empathy isn’t because everyone in the Trump family isn’t simply like, IQ 50-71. As I understand Occam’s Razor, that’s probably the explanation. I’m surprised how few people in the press have caught on, but the press hasn’t been very smart recently either.

It’s an ugly stupid budget full of stupid ugly all over but let’s talk about just 2 points of federal food assistance:

“The Budget also proposes to re-balance the Federal/State partnership in SNAP benefits
to low-income households by gradually establishing a State match for benefit costs, phasing in from a national average of 10 percent in 2020 to 25 percent, on average by 2023″

That’s what’s known as abdication; failure to fulfill a responsibility or duty. That means, within a decade, in spite of a growing population, the Federal Government gives $191,000,000,000 less in food support to needy individuals. Maybe the States will feed some of those people instead. Who knows? Probably not.
The budget will also consider “new flexibilities to allow States to establish locally appropriate benefit levels.” That sentence is a small car full of clowns, right there.

Here’s a second winning proposition: Do you own a grocery store? Would you like to accept SNAP, so that low-income people have a way to purchase your products? The proposed budget will charge businesses a periodic SNAP acceptance “authorization/reauthorization fee…ranging from $250 for the smallest firms, such as small convenience stores, to as much as $20,000 for the largest retailers, such as super-centers and large supermarket chains. Retailers would pay the fee each time they are authorized or reauthorized.”

Nice! That’s a special fee on just those businesses that serve poor people.

OK, one more thing. He’d also like to cap food benefits regardless of family size. You ended up with eight kids after your sister & husband died and your abusive spouse left his exes’ kids with you? You can have the same amount of food as a family of six.

Sure, this is just the proposed budget. These are bargaining chips, this is just a threat, these are just the dreams of a pig, and a nightmare for his favorite targets: defenseless people, abandoned by the country they built, hard-working people who simply can’t afford the price of government advocates in this stinkin’ plutocracy.

Did I mention that the budget has a $52,800,000,000 increase in defense spending for 2018? Priorities: Luxuries for the loaded, not produce for the poor. Endless bombs, no bread.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Ancient Evenings

You were naked, wet, primeval, beautiful by jungle pool
And I offered what I’d made with crudely fashioned tools
Strange nights by that strange new fire
As the crescent moon rose higher

Golden were your oiled shoulders under the Egyptian sun
I served you hauling boulders and was crushed when bearing one
Peaceful in in the sand infernal
For your glory was eternal

Once, in silks, you waved farewell as I rode to the crusades
And I screamed your name and charged on unbeliever’s blades
I was true to you, by hell:
I’m not that kind of infidel

I recall you were resplendent when they tried you as a witch
And I loved you, independent of your philters in my dish
I could not break the stockade’s bond
To save you from the ducking pond

I remember at Versailles, in that bergère chair
Your powdered wigs & perfumes, and all that underwear
The worst thing was we never wed
We simply went and lost our heads

On ancient evenings, in ancient times
I would have wooed you with silvered rhymes
I would have sung you this ancient song
Our days are precious, the night is long

 

 

 

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