Category Archives: Useless Observations

Copyright 2011

Incidentally,

So this psychologist is at a restaurant with three men, and she says, “Hey, here’s an exercise: I’m going to drop this handkerchief on a table, and you tell me what thoughts it brings to mind.” And she takes a white handkerchief and tosses it to float down onto the tabletop.

The first man says: “That’s interesting- looking at the handkerchief, I see a topography: Mountain ranges, cresting waves…”

The second says: “Huh- when you dropped the handkerchief, I was reminded of the way that the corporeal form sheds its spirit, leaving only the carapace of the being that was…”

The third man says, “That reminds me of sex.”

The psychologist says, “OK- why does that make you think about sex?

The third man says, “I only think about sex.”

 

 

 

 

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Help! Jane! Stop this Crazy Thing!

We hover
Our flying cars
What’s below?
What ruined planets
The columns plunge through the clouds
At their base
What piles of skulls
Heaps of ordure and offal
Neither Spacely Space Sprockets nor Cogswell Cogs are hiring
There’s only one hour of work, only two days a week
What teeming filthy naked masses still roil down there? Is there real dirt-
Is there any water left?  Salt, blood?
The automat makes whatever meal
Our robot maid has a vacuum attachment
Space is strangely empty
Except for the shopping
Except for the banks
Not everybody got a jetpack
Just a few of us have these flying cars
Most of us got left behind I suppose
Sometimes a little smoke rises
Sometimes things fall and nobody knows what then
Do you smell that?
What’s down there?
Are these columns secure?

SPACE CAR (1)

 

 

This Pig Will Eat the Poor Kids Lunch

It’s interesting how little empathy we expect of people in general, maybe, but especially elected officials. It’s interesting how an ordinary wanker like D. Trump, a fat imbecile nourished for his entire life on corporate welfare, isn’t excoriated, if not to say tar-and-feathered, for proposing that more senior citizens and children should starve in the United States.

The meager federal benefits available to truly needy people, despite being neoliberally curtailed under previous administrations, are once again under attack, this time by a man whose family should reap billions of dollars in tax benefits from the same budget he proposes. Is that a problem?
Should this budget be passed, Ivanka Trump will literally able to afford more mink toilet paper that she will have paid for by not giving some poor kids some vegetables (as the U.S. throws away 40% of the food we produce). Is that OK?

Tell me: how do these monsters sleep at night, really? Is it really heavy pharmaceuticals or something? Because I’d be bothered. But I don’t see any evidence that the lack of empathy isn’t because everyone in the Trump family isn’t simply like, IQ 50-71. As I understand Occam’s Razor, that’s probably the explanation. I’m surprised how few people in the press have caught on, but the press hasn’t been very smart recently either.

It’s an ugly stupid budget full of stupid ugly all over but let’s talk about just 2 points of federal food assistance:

“The Budget also proposes to re-balance the Federal/State partnership in SNAP benefits
to low-income households by gradually establishing a State match for benefit costs, phasing in from a national average of 10 percent in 2020 to 25 percent, on average by 2023″

That’s what’s known as abdication; failure to fulfill a responsibility or duty. That means, within a decade, in spite of a growing population, the Federal Government gives $191,000,000,000 less in food support to needy individuals. Maybe the States will feed some of those people instead. Who knows? Probably not.
The budget will also consider “new flexibilities to allow States to establish locally appropriate benefit levels.” That sentence is a small car full of clowns, right there.

Here’s a second winning proposition: Do you own a grocery store? Would you like to accept SNAP, so that low-income people have a way to purchase your products? The proposed budget will charge businesses a periodic SNAP acceptance “authorization/reauthorization fee…ranging from $250 for the smallest firms, such as small convenience stores, to as much as $20,000 for the largest retailers, such as super-centers and large supermarket chains. Retailers would pay the fee each time they are authorized or reauthorized.”

Nice! That’s a special fee on just those businesses that serve poor people.

OK, one more thing. He’d also like to cap food benefits regardless of family size. You ended up with eight kids after your sister & husband died and your abusive spouse left his exes’ kids with you? You can have the same amount of food as a family of six.

Sure, this is just the proposed budget. These are bargaining chips, this is just a threat, these are just the dreams of a pig, and a nightmare for his favorite targets: defenseless people, abandoned by the country they built, hard-working people who simply can’t afford the price of government advocates in this stinkin’ plutocracy.

Did I mention that the budget has a $52,800,000,000 increase in defense spending for 2018? Priorities: Luxuries for the loaded, not produce for the poor. Endless bombs, no bread.

 

 

 

 

 

 

How to Drive in Detroit

1. Not “I-75.” It’s the CHRYSLER FREEWAY if you’re motorvatin’ between Downtown Detroit and Pontiac, or the FISHER FWY from Downtown Detroit on Downriver

2. Ain’t “I-94″ that goes East to Port Huron and West to Chicago. It’s the EDSEL FORD FWY

3. It’s not “I-96 ” that comes out of Downtown and heads for Brighton, Lansing and points West, It’s the JEFFRIES (alternately known as the ROSA PARKS for the 3 miles between Ford Rd. and the Fisher Freeway, more recently)

4. It’s not “I-696″ running parallel to 11 Mile Road between I-275 and the Edsel Ford, It’s the WALTER P. REUTHER FWY.

5. It’s not “M-10.” It’s the JOHN C. LODGE

6. It’s not “M-8.” It’s the DAVISON

7. It’s not “M-39.” It’s the SOUTHFIELD FWY

…if you refer to TELEGRAPH as US-24, Le Nain Rouge will bite off your kneecaps

A Digression on Postcards Wherein Women are Threatened by Alligators

Listed here are the psychologically engaging aspects of this perfect postcard, which I purchased off the rack in Florida my own self maybe fifteen years ago during one of the intense theme-park and biological engineering research trips for Piggleyland:

  1. The amped-up hand-painted colors. Please tell me what that bikini color is: I cannot find a word. I’m not sure it wholly refracts correctly on my corneas
  2. The alligator is cruelly reduced and crudely cut & pasted, with probably literal paste
  3. The now-opaque reference to an ancient cigarette campaign wherein people would be punched in the eye for supporting cigarettes of choice (*see below for examples stolen from interweb).
  4. This clever turn of phrase, “Us Florida Alligators would rather BITE than SWITCH,” was SO VERY compelling and hilarious that several variant versions featuring different models can  be found**
  5. In all variants, the alligator knows that he’s quoting a cigarette campaign, as evidenced by the otherwise redundant quotation marks in the word balloon. That’s a sophisticated, market-savvy reference for the average crocodilian from the Paleoscene
  6. I think this postcard probably post-dates the famous “WOW! We Alligators Do Have Fun in Florida/Louisiana/New Orleans” Betty Page postcard*** by some years, and I suspect the artist would admit it was derivative, unless an homage
  7. Nobody REALLY wants to see these poor women bitten by alligators: an American alligator bites at around 2,900 pounds per square inch (lions and tigers bite at about 1,000 psi. I myself bite at only around 175 psi when at the peak of righteous fury & bloodlust)-even small (or cruelly reduced) alligators have more than 80 razor-sharp teeth.  Let’s face it: it could be pretty depressing to see some lady get bitten on the rear end by an alligator.  But beyond the cheap frisson evoked by the common icon of Woman-in-Peril, these cards sell because the sight of sun-warmed flesh makes the reptilian brain hungry on some primeval level, don’t they? That tells us something about ourselves, doesn’t it? Or is it just plain slapstick, and I should shut up?

Here’s the postcard that haunts my nightmares:

us-florida-alligators

*Cigarette campaign:

the-fight-for-cigarettes-of-choice

People just don’t get punched in the eye for humor the way they used to, you know?

AAAAUUUUGGGHH.jpg

**Variants from interwebs:

Us Florida Alligators would rather Bite than Switch - Fun in Florida

Us Florida Alligators Would Rather Bite Than Switch

This woman’s presentation pose is weird but the Hat is Inexplicable

***Referent Betty Page postcards:

wow-we-alligators-do-have-fun-in-floridawow-we-alligators-do-have-fun-in-louisianawow-we-alligators-do-have-fun-in-new-orleans

****Bonus Saucy Wow! Variant:

Wow! Saucy Variant.jpg

*****Bonus Alligator-Biting-Butt Card that looks terrifyingly realistic

5505b636efbf4_84511b

******Lest you worry, here’s how it all turns out in the sequel:

beauty-and-the-beast

 

Trumpets: Collect ’em ALL. fig 6: Steven Terner Mnuchin

Steven Mnuchin

 

Trumpets: Collect ’em ALL. fig 5: Elisabeth DeVos

Betsy DeVos testifies before the Senate Health, Education and Labor Committee confirmation hearing

Betsy DeVos testifies before the Senate Health, Education and Labor Committee confirmation hearing to be next Secretary of Education on Capitol Hill in Washington, U.S., January 17, 2017. original photo via REUTERS/Yuri Gripas – 

 

Trumpets: Collect ’em ALL. fig 4: Stephen Kevin Bannon

Donald Trump

I Hate You, New York Times

I mean, thanks. As the source for balanced, thoughtful liberal journalism, today’s Sunday Front Page is truly exemplary: Offering thoughtful balance to the current Administration’s draconian, family-crushing, murderous doctrine (spuriously focused on Muslims, because TERRISTS, when everyone knows that all the successful terrorists are white U.S. guys), in a week when tens of thousands of people have had their hopes crushed by our country’s broken promise of freedom, the New York Times prints a one million word bullshit terror-scare article on the front page. Beautiful!

the stupid front stupid page of the stupid nyt.jpg

“Not Lone Wolves After All”!!!! “How Isis Guides World’s Terrorist Plots From Afar”!!!!!!!!!!!!! This brilliant article details several tedious, largely unsuccessful, dubiously connected, extremely tiny plots to try to kill like several people maybe, except it mostly didn’t work out. In many cases, the alleged  “terrorists” were given advice- ON THE INTERNET!!!! Sometimes encrypted digitally!!!!!!! by persons identified as “ISIS, ” which led to their almost accomplishing something.

Dude, the President drone-bombed an 8-year old American girl and a bunch of other civilians, and killed some Navy Seal at the same time. What’s in the the Times? I shit you not, a 14″ x 10″ picture of a ditch where some guy allegedly left a plastic bag full of chemicals which two doofuses failed to make into a bomb.

This is where nothing happened.jpg In a week when tens of thousands of Muslims’ lives have been thrown into turmoil by the cruel and ill-intentioned whims of our bigot-in-chief, what purpose does this article serve? Is this utterly transparent, hamhanded right-wing propaganda, or are they just, finally, finally stupid at the New York Times? This crap should warrant a paragraph on page 14.

Seriously, besides the guys who couldn’t make a bomb, descriptions of teeny plots:

*where a man was supposed to attack a bar with a machete, but didn’t?
*where 2 guys were directed BY THE INTERNET to 2 rusted pistols in a plastic bag hanging from a tree, with which they accomplished nothing
* and a couple different guys who accidentally blow themselves up instead of other people
*and a guy who shot himself in the leg

There are a couple of actual successful homicides detailed as well; to be clear, neither the level of violence described, nor the level of HI-TECH INTERNET INTRIGUE  warrants news coverage in our epoch of horrific conspiracy and carnage.

Sometimes it’s like the NYT forgets that in this utterly fake “War on Terror”, the U.S. has killed more than a million people: we’ve spent trillions of dollars . We’ve met the Terrorist, and he is us. These penny-ante plots aren’t worth ink.

I hate you New York Times.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Trumpets: Collect ’em ALL. fig 3: Edward Scott Pruitt

trumpetpruitt

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