Category Archives: von Borax Business Consulting

Here’s my Pilot: Awaiting Funding

Scene 1: The super smart Government Agent examines the evidence, which he is totally smart enough to evaluate and come to conclusions from.  It is evident that super intelligent terroristic organizations are super-secretly conspiring to do really amazingly astoundingly awful stuff; stuff that is even worse than the amazingly astoundingly awful stuff that the Government Agent’s Country does every single day in about twenty-four disadvantaged countries  where they are right now doing stuff that is so awful that anybody would like puke if they heard about like the details of how nasty and specifically torturous the torture is.

Scene 2: the super intelligent and interesting terrorist has totally not always been poor and abused and had it demonstrated that nobody gives a shit about him or people that look like him. It’s just because he’s evil that he is planning a vague and diaphanous super-complicated evil plot with gas or bombs or something internety that you can’t hope to understand, but you’ll never have to worry about it because the super intelligent Government Agent will totally end up secretly foiling all those evil plans because he’s  obviously super intelligenter than the terrorist.

Theme: The confluence of these two completely fictional constructs will provide a patently false but apparently plausible narrative & colorful distraction as simple morons take everything from most everybody and give it to some disgusting fuckers that will wank themselves endlessly while the whole world suffers.

$34,000 plus residuals OBO


I Hate to Say I Told You So

Scientists create human-pig embryos . It  would appear that the new administration, comfortable & secure with their incoming reign of horror, is finally allowing the sheet to be lifted on the secret anthropophagic plans that I exposed seven years ago, during the despotic rule of the second Bush, in my roman à clef Piggleyland. 

Now discounted because you should also know about the Nazi Clown Phenomenon, Mexican Viagra & Personal Hams



Here’s How it Works:


Sorry, I Just Accidentally Published Another Book

“A Slim Volume of Worse” compiles poems, correspondences, and short expository prose pieces of a satirical nature. I guess. Selected works have frequently appeared for free as a public service here on, and now here they are in their final, polished form: as a handsome adornment to your erudite bookshelf, I offer 233 pages of dysphoric hilarity, 36,629 words, for money. Please buy 1 copy for every friend you have, and 2 for each enemy.


What’s in it?

82 Heart-Healthy Ingredients:

  1. My Doctor Sucks.
  2. The Visitation
  3. Work Diary Day 89,237
  4. Internet Proposition 3,496
  5. The Cap’n’s Wafers
  6. Weird Dream
  7. The Amazon’s Mouth
  8. Parent Diary Day 1,243
  9. The Druid
  10. My Evil Twin
  11. Intellectual Property 4,215: The Family Tub
  12. Please Don’t Kill Us, Phyllis
  13. Feel Kinda Weird, for Some Reason
  14. Stolen Fruits
  15. The New Equipment
  16. 734
  17. Internet Proposition 5,214
  18. The Lament of the Spoons
  19. Transformed
  20. Southside Restaurant Review #1
  21. Murgatroyd’s Edible Hats
  22. Internet Proposition 7,298
  23. There is a Man
  24. Intellectual Property 5, 222: LatteBucket
  25. Spacegirl & Caveman
  26. Internet Proposition 12,651
  27. Wayne Upon the Wooftop
  28. So Here I Sit
  29. Intellectual Property 6,534: Hospicetarian
  30. Fat Ass on Couch
  31. Anachro-Go-Go
  32. Vegetable
  33. Intellectual Property 7,110: Clown Porn
  34. In Solemn Tribute to the Tortured and Exploited Action Figures of My Youth
  35. Squidboy on the Ceiling
  36. Every Creeping Thing
  37. Dream Diary Entry 3,217
  38. From the 34th Floor
  39. Disappointing and Creepy
  40. Intellectual Property 9,937: PorFu
  41. What God Likes
  42. Intellectual Property 11,279: 7 People 1 Bathroom
  43. Intellectual Property 24,005: Correspondence 2,146
  44. Dog
  45. Correspondence 4,111
  46. Animal
  47. Drugs
  48. Not My Friend
  49. The Cereal Killer’s Interior Monologue
  50. Pharma-Go-Go
  51. Gramourous
  52. My Children Hate Dinner
  53. Omnivore
  54. The Way it Ends
  55. Intellectual Property 25,011: The Kreekside Grille Jingle
  56. Home Improvement Diary
  57. Ready for Action
  58. Ones and Zeroes
  59. Sightseeing
  60. Captain Sugarbeard
  61. Internet Proposition 87,433
  62. Dig that Giant Clam
  63. Parent Diary Day 3,218
  64. Work Diary Day 23,674
  65. Dance of the Jungle Girl
  66. Intellectual Property 32,323: Hobo Couture
  67. Vomit Boy
  68. Southside Restaurant Review #2
  69. She Found her Ex-Boyfriend’s Paintbrush
  70. Karp’s Scoop ‘n’ Bake Frozen Gourmet Muffin Batter
  71. My Mistake
  72. Get ‘em While They’re Hot
  73. 2 Similes and a Metaphor
  74. Gas Station Rose
  75. Internet Proposition 88,766
  76. Kuru
  77. Mechanically Separated Human
  79. Her Watery Lair
  80. Notes from the Whine Cellar
  81. A Pirate Poem
  82. Rodent Station Number 9

Isn’t that enough for you, already? I should rather think it should be.

(Piggleyland’s still available, too)



Appropriated and Remarketed for No Good Reason

I have no idea what this absurd medical device actually does, but I think it’d sell better with this caption:

state of the artnvb


Murgatroyd’s Edible Hats

Your erroneous assertions
Have been thoroughly debunked
Now there’s casting of aspersions
And your reputation’s junked?
Come at once to our new shoppe,
We’ll flip the tables on your flop:

We have vegan hats of carrot
And fedoras of pure ham!
Porkpie hats of roasted parrot
Or a crown of rack of lamb!
Are you uncredible, or worse?
Just pull your wallet from your purse:

We have baseball caps of brisket
Peppered turbans if you please
This top hat’s a buttered biscuit!
We have fezzes made of cheese!
Buy some quickly! Don’t you know,
They’re much nicer than eating crow-







note: edited.

At first it was Chef Poindexter’s Edible Hats, and then I realized: that was a silly name for a comestible haberdashery.

Business Proposition #63,923 THE FAMILY TUB RESTAURANT

Family Tub

Where the whole family exults in all-you-can-eat Tub-Style corn, meats and fixins!

Families are seated at- or, possibly, in, “FAMILY TUBBLES”(registered trademark pending): essentially a washtub on a center post. 

Frenetic character-based staff dash around in internationally-themed outfits carrying buckets of processed foods designed for easy slopping from buckets into the FAMILY TUBBLE. Patrons will indicate desired buckets by waving corresponding flags, clearly labeled “Mexican, German, American, Chinese”

1. “Charmin’ Miranda” or “Muncho Villa” hurl mixed CobCorn, Burmeatos, Jalapeno Cornbreadlets, Fajeaters, etc. (registered trademarks pending)

2. “Kaiser Roll” or “Liederhosen Tartlet” toss CobCorn, Miniwursts, WeeSchnitzels, SpatzenCubes, etc. (registered trademarks pending)

3. “Uncle Samwich” or “Lady Lobster Biberty” pitch CobCorn, BBQ Scraps ‘n’ Tatters, ChickenToes, Burgerballs, etc. (registered trademarks pending)

4.  “Servin’ Samurai” or “Meow Se Tung ” throw Baby CobCorn, EggRollers, KungPowPoppers, WakkiTeriyaki, etc. (registered trademarks pending) 

Other notes:


Beverages most likely served Hose-Style.

Roll up your sleeves and trousers and tuck into to THE FAMILY TUB, for gut-buckets of face-stuffin’ fun! 

This franchise concept still available for $2,742,114.72, including tax, from von Borax Business Consulting

New Business Development Document for von Borax Consulting: the YESCALATOR

Illustrating the basic concepts of P.O.P.S.I. & N.A.P.

“you can’t go too far wrong- if you “N.A.P.” on the job”

Why Don’t You Put Your Business- on the YESCALATOR?  -click for larger-

email our consultants for lengthy expensive sessions full of mixed metaphors and mangled verbiage TM von Borax Consultants

%d bloggers like this: