Category Archives: von Borax Business Consulting
Scene 1: The super smart Government Agent examines the evidence, which he is totally smart enough to evaluate and come to conclusions from. It is evident that super intelligent terroristic organizations are super-secretly conspiring to do really amazingly astoundingly awful stuff; stuff that is even worse than the amazingly astoundingly awful stuff that the Government Agent’s Country does every single day in about twenty-four disadvantaged countries where they are right now doing stuff that is so awful that anybody would like puke if they heard about like the details of how nasty and specifically torturous the torture is.
Scene 2: the super intelligent and interesting terrorist has totally not always been poor and abused and had it demonstrated that nobody gives a shit about him or people that look like him. It’s just because he’s evil that he is planning a vague and diaphanous super-complicated evil plot with gas or bombs or something internety that you can’t hope to understand, but you’ll never have to worry about it because the super intelligent Government Agent will totally end up secretly foiling all those evil plans because he’s obviously super intelligenter than the terrorist.
Theme: The confluence of these two completely fictional constructs will provide a patently false but apparently plausible narrative & colorful distraction as simple morons take everything from most everybody and give it to some disgusting fuckers that will wank themselves endlessly while the whole world suffers.
$34,000 plus residuals OBO
Scientists create human-pig embryos . It would appear that the new administration, comfortable & secure with their incoming reign of horror, is finally allowing the sheet to be lifted on the secret anthropophagic plans that I exposed seven years ago, during the despotic rule of the second Bush, in my roman à clef Piggleyland.
Now discounted because you should also know about the Nazi Clown Phenomenon, Mexican Viagra & Personal Hams
“A Slim Volume of Worse” compiles poems, correspondences, and short expository prose pieces of a satirical nature. I guess. Selected works have frequently appeared for free as a public service here on nitrovonborax.com, and now here they are in their final, polished form: as a handsome adornment to your erudite bookshelf, I offer 233 pages of dysphoric hilarity, 36,629 words, for money. Please buy 1 copy for every friend you have, and 2 for each enemy.
What’s in it?
82 Heart-Healthy Ingredients:
- My Doctor Sucks.
- The Visitation
- Work Diary Day 89,237
- Internet Proposition 3,496
- The Cap’n’s Wafers
- Weird Dream
- The Amazon’s Mouth
- Parent Diary Day 1,243
- The Druid
- My Evil Twin
- Intellectual Property 4,215: The Family Tub
- Please Don’t Kill Us, Phyllis
- Feel Kinda Weird, for Some Reason
- Stolen Fruits
- The New Equipment
- Internet Proposition 5,214
- The Lament of the Spoons
- Southside Restaurant Review #1
- Murgatroyd’s Edible Hats
- Internet Proposition 7,298
- There is a Man
- Intellectual Property 5, 222: LatteBucket
- Spacegirl & Caveman
- Internet Proposition 12,651
- Wayne Upon the Wooftop
- So Here I Sit
- Intellectual Property 6,534: Hospicetarian
- Fat Ass on Couch
- Intellectual Property 7,110: Clown Porn
- In Solemn Tribute to the Tortured and Exploited Action Figures of My Youth
- Squidboy on the Ceiling
- Every Creeping Thing
- Dream Diary Entry 3,217
- From the 34th Floor
- Disappointing and Creepy
- Intellectual Property 9,937: PorFu
- What God Likes
- Intellectual Property 11,279: 7 People 1 Bathroom
- Intellectual Property 24,005: Correspondence 2,146
- Correspondence 4,111
- Not My Friend
- The Cereal Killer’s Interior Monologue
- My Children Hate Dinner
- The Way it Ends
- Intellectual Property 25,011: The Kreekside Grille Jingle
- Home Improvement Diary
- Ready for Action
- Ones and Zeroes
- Captain Sugarbeard
- Internet Proposition 87,433
- Dig that Giant Clam
- Parent Diary Day 3,218
- Work Diary Day 23,674
- Dance of the Jungle Girl
- Intellectual Property 32,323: Hobo Couture
- Vomit Boy
- Southside Restaurant Review #2
- She Found her Ex-Boyfriend’s Paintbrush
- Karp’s Scoop ‘n’ Bake Frozen Gourmet Muffin Batter
- My Mistake
- Get ‘em While They’re Hot
- 2 Similes and a Metaphor
- Gas Station Rose
- Internet Proposition 88,766
- Mechanically Separated Human
- LAND OF THE GIANTS
- Her Watery Lair
- Notes from the Whine Cellar
- A Pirate Poem
- Rodent Station Number 9
Isn’t that enough for you, already? I should rather think it should be.
(Piggleyland’s still available, too)
I have no idea what this absurd medical device actually does, but I think it’d sell better with this caption:
Your erroneous assertions
Have been thoroughly debunked
Now there’s casting of aspersions
And your reputation’s junked?
Come at once to our new shoppe,
We’ll flip the tables on your flop:
at MURGATROYD’S EDIBLE HATS!
We have vegan hats of carrot
And fedoras of pure ham!
Porkpie hats of roasted parrot
Or a crown of rack of lamb!
Are you uncredible, or worse?
Just pull your wallet from your purse:
at MURGATROYD’S EDIBLE HATS!
We have baseball caps of brisket
Peppered turbans if you please
This top hat’s a buttered biscuit!
We have fezzes made of cheese!
Buy some quickly! Don’t you know,
They’re much nicer than eating crow-
at MURGATROYD’S EDIBLE HATS!
At first it was Chef Poindexter’s Edible Hats, and then I realized: that was a silly name for a comestible haberdashery.
Where the whole family exults in all-you-can-eat Tub-Style corn, meats and fixins!
Families are seated at- or, possibly, in, “FAMILY TUBBLES”(registered trademark pending): essentially a washtub on a center post.
Frenetic character-based staff dash around in internationally-themed outfits carrying buckets of processed foods designed for easy slopping from buckets into the FAMILY TUBBLE. Patrons will indicate desired buckets by waving corresponding flags, clearly labeled “Mexican, German, American, Chinese”
1. “Charmin’ Miranda” or “Muncho Villa” hurl mixed CobCorn, Burmeatos, Jalapeno Cornbreadlets, Fajeaters, etc. (registered trademarks pending)
2. “Kaiser Roll” or “Liederhosen Tartlet” toss CobCorn, Miniwursts, WeeSchnitzels, SpatzenCubes, etc. (registered trademarks pending)
3. “Uncle Samwich” or “Lady Lobster Biberty” pitch CobCorn, BBQ Scraps ‘n’ Tatters, ChickenToes, Burgerballs, etc. (registered trademarks pending)
4. “Servin’ Samurai” or “Meow Se Tung ” throw Baby CobCorn, EggRollers, KungPowPoppers, WakkiTeriyaki, etc. (registered trademarks pending)
IMPORTANT BRANDING ISSUE: CORN IS OF UTMOST IMPORTANCE. Corn offers Security, Wholesomeness and Thematic Unity. DO NOT ATTEMPT WITHOUT CORN!!!!!!!
Beverages most likely served Hose-Style.
Roll up your sleeves and trousers and tuck into to THE FAMILY TUB, for gut-buckets of face-stuffin’ fun!
This franchise concept still available for $2,742,114.72, including tax, from von Borax Business Consulting
Illustrating the basic concepts of P.O.P.S.I. & N.A.P.
“you can’t go too far wrong- if you “N.A.P.” on the job”
Why Don’t You Put Your Business- on the YESCALATOR? -click for larger-
email our consultants for lengthy expensive sessions full of mixed metaphors and mangled verbiage TM von Borax Consultants