How to Drive in Detroit

1. Not “I-75.” It’s the CHRYSLER FREEWAY if you’re motorvatin’ between Downtown Detroit and Pontiac, or the FISHER FWY from Downtown Detroit on Downriver

2. Ain’t “I-94″ that goes East to Port Huron and West to Chicago. It’s the EDSEL FORD FWY

3. It’s not “I-96 ” that comes out of Downtown and heads for Brighton, Lansing and points West, It’s the JEFFRIES (alternately known as the ROSA PARKS for the 3 miles between Ford Rd. and the Fisher Freeway, more recently)

4. It’s not “I-696″ running parallel to 11 Mile Road between I-275 and the Edsel Ford, It’s the WALTER P. REUTHER FWY.

5. It’s not “M-10.” It’s the JOHN C. LODGE

6. It’s not “M-8.” It’s the DAVISON

7. It’s not “M-39.” It’s the SOUTHFIELD FWY

…if you refer to TELEGRAPH as US-24, Le Nain Rouge will bite off your kneecaps

Today’s Pulp Purchase: The Case of the Sun Bather’s Diary

sunbather'sdiary

Pretty dark for sunbathing, isn’t it? Lost in the 1950’s collage-style forest, nude but for a red book (Jungian reference). Great Cardinal logo, too.

I wish they hadn’t kneecapped her with the byline.

Today’s Pulp Purchase: Slab Happy

Slab Happy.jpg

Sample simile: “He had a size 20 neck, fists like large beef roasts, and arms like legs.” 

Shell Scott, L.A. P.I., sure gets beat up a lot, acts like an haplessly oversexed Bichon Frise around beautiful Hollywood Starlets and engages in some Spillane-Level messy violence, but he’s a delightful cut-up:

Doctor Clark said, smiling, “Oh, you’re a doctor?”
“Not exactly.” I grinned. “Sometimes I patch up problems. But my operations are usually, well, sort of unusual. You might call me one of the unorthodocs.” 

HA!

I haven’t yet come to the scene where the 70’s girl in the bikini perches on the coffin with a machine gun, but I am looking forward to it. That kind of iconic scene is what sells 40 million books

 

 

 

 

Today’s Pulp Purchase: Stranger in Town

StrangerinTown

Not a TERRIBLE Mike Shayne Mystery, although, spoiler, evil abortionists.

Mike Shayne, Miami P.I., has red hair and is therefore short-tempered, and he drinks cognac, which gives you differentiation in the bar scene. The broad depicted on the cover is described inside as having blonde ringlets, so it’s not a PERFECT representation for this book, but a pretty perfect cover for something.

Sample simile: “Hands the size of picnic hams” -bothers me because of ham/hand is slant-homonymous, but I appreciate how it doesn’t overshoot to Dinner-Ham-Sized Hands, which would be ridiculous.

 

Today’s Pulp Purchase: The Case of the Daring Decoy

DaringDecoy

Two highball glasses? This is what happens when you fall down the 12 steps.

Do What You Love & Follow Your Dreams

“Follow your dreams & do what you love!”
Cried Melva Wisconsin, unheard above,
Folding an exquisite newspaper boat,
Treading wellwater and barely afloat.

“Do what you love & follow your dreams!”
Wept Charles Golightly, stitching the seams
of a velveteen brocaded satin-lined vest
In which his pet oyster refused to be dressed.

“Follow your dreams & do what you love!”
Intoned Suzie Nackvirst, pulling on gloves
and building a castle of catpoop and spittle,
and nobody liked it, not even a little.

“Do what you love & follow your dreams!”
Sighed Pierre Fiero, who sculpted, in steam,
For a moment, a seascape with narwhals and ships,
That drifted away as he died of the grippe.

 

4/2017
 

Today’s Pulp Purchase: The April Robin Murders

April Robin Murders

That is “April Robin” depicted. She’s outstanding in her field.

Really, a splendid and hilarious book, with the unwitting detectives Bingo Riggs and Handsome Kusak, stumbling through Hollywood and over bodies. Handsome Kusak has a photographic memory for things he’s read in magazines and is otherwise apparently dimmer than his easily-duped, entrepreneurial associate Bingo.

The bookseller admonished me to make sure to read this one because she knew I was buying it for the cover. She was right. I’m really enjoying it.

You totally can tell a book by its cover if you’re just interested in the cover itself alone though

Haiku

I brought the Piña-
Ta to your party, Din’t I?
It busted out good

The Thing Is

The trip you take to get there is the dude you get to be
The trouble is you’re chained before you know that you are free
The thing is that it’s not so wrong be completely wrong
The thing is that the destination has to move along

The place you get kicked out of is the place you call your home
And you know your greatest lover’s one that leaves you all alone
The things you did unthinking are the smartest things you did
And all the stuff that shows the most is all the stuff you hid

The problem is the punch line never varies with the joke
No matter how you fire up, you dissipate in smoke
The thing of it is that you’re gone before you know you’re there
And the thing that is the worst thing is the only thing that’s fair

 

Incidentally,

Q: Why is the mustard never where you left it?

A: Condimental Drift

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